elizabethlevett

You’ve said you’ve been thinking about not having a child. Or children. You’ve said you’re wondering what that would be like. I want to tell you it will be fine. We decide what we decide, and we live with our decisions. And most days, you’ll have happiness in your life, or, more importantly and more realistically, you’ll have contentment. Most of the time. There may be times, when you’re about forty or so, when you feel a desperate pang. Then you’ll look at your life very carefully and you’ll change your mind, and this is fine. Or you won’t. This is fine too. There will be moments when you’re much older and it’s too late to change your mind, too late to have a child. This will pass and you’ll still be fine, especially if you’ve been deliberate about creating a life that has satisfied you, a life that is creative and one that stands as a support to others. Most important though is the knowledge that this decision is yours and yours alone. No one, not a family member, not a politician, not a stranger, not even your partner, should have the power to tell you what you should do.

How will it be? You want to know. I can tell you. It will be what you make it. You look around now at all of your close friendships. Many of your friends will start having children. You need to know that even your closest friends, the ones that you love spending time with, will be making new friends with other young parents. This is as it should be. Young parents need support from others in their chosen community who have little lives to raise, little soccer players to drive to practice, field trips and dance recitals to show up for. They won’t be able to spend as much time with you as they used to. Sometimes you might miss hanging out with them. Here’s what you’ll do. You’ll make new close friendships of your own with others who do not have children to raise and who will be able to be there with you when you need them. But you will also find ways to show up for those old pals and their kids. Because your old friends miss hanging out with you too. The thing is, when there is a child, that child has to be the most important person in their lives right now. When there’s a new baby, you’re the one who has time to hand-knit a blanket or stitch up a small quilt. Celebrate with them when their children experience milestones, drop off some groceries, give them respite care when their hands are full, take their kids out for ice cream, and listen, always listen when they tell you how brilliant their child is, or how challenging.

Every community needs good people who are willing and able to be amazing parents. If you decide this isn’t you, you have an important role to play too. The people who don’t have kids at home are the ones who get that phone call saying someone needs help moving, or someone needs a ride, or someone is in the hospital. There will be times when someone needs whatever it is that only a person who is not tied up at soccer practice can give. Let that person be you.

Childless. This is the word some folks use for us. Less. Less than. Always remember though, “less” does not mean you. You are not missing a part of yourself. You are choosing to find other ways to create, nurture, support. You are not less if you choose not to bring a child into the world. Your close friends who have kids certainly don’t see you as less than they are. You are whole, you are complete. If you feel that you are not, a child will not complete you. Your friends who raise children were whole, entire people before they had them. Now they are a family. Be there in their lives and be a support to the family they’ve created but don’t ever believe there is a lack in you because you’ve chosen a different life. When the kids are grown, you will find that your friendships will have grown as well, and you’ll have some amazing memories to share.

(Cover image collage by author.)