elizabethlevett

You know those nights when you can’t seem to relax into sleep? I hate it when that happens. Everybody does. For me, it’s as if part of what I am and what I need is missing in any given twenty-four-hour chunk of my “one precious life.” Usually, I can put it down to a lack of sufficient fresh air and/or exercise, too much coffee, a need to do more stretching. Lately though, I believe there is another culprit at the root of this anxiety and it’s time to draw some boundaries.

Before I go to sleep, I always take time to rest in gratitude – my version of meditation, of prayer. I consciously slow down my breathing and focus on the breath in an effort to tune out those little gnats of over-active over-thinking. Sometimes though, those thoughts can be troubling in their persistence, their demands. And as I notice their intrusion, I can also, so easily, identify their source. It’s the ding dang internet.

It looks like this; breathe in for five counts, hold gently, exhale for five counts…graphic image of electoral map. Or like this; “Thank you for my life, thank you for my husband, thank you for the warmth of the sun…what if they —?! Oh no!!” “Thank you for the park and my favorite coffee shop. Thank you for kittens and firefighters with puppies…” Sudden replay of political rally or incredibly divisive commentary — something I heard or saw online. Instead of breathing slowly and winding down, I’m suddenly triggered, suddenly anxious. Then I know, I should have stayed off social media that day, or at least kept my interactions to a minimum.

I decided I would do two things, closely read all of the election materials that have been jammed in my mailbox, taking care to notice who is endorsing and funding these people, and vote. Ah, and one more little thing. I would take out my treasured “Vote” button and wear it every day until the election. No comment or conversation about whom to vote for. Without engaging in the back and forth of fear and misinformation, hyperbole and subterfuge, shock and awe, it’s just me with my “Vote” pin – my safe little badge that says, “I did what I need to do. We don’t need to argue.” And I’d post it in my little social media story. Done. Check. Over and out.

It felt good to have a plan I could live with and back off from anything else. Do what you can and let go. There you have it. I felt strong, resolute, unbothered. Until the other day. I lost my button. Granted, it’s pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But come on. It was a small gesture that meant something. (Significant = signifying something, get it?) Also, it was a limited edition, Patti Smith pin. A present from a very dear friend who understands me and the weird things I find important. Okay, breathe, retrace your steps. I’d been on a walk, familiar turf in the neighborhood. So, get out there and be a bloodhound. Just another crazy woman walking slowly down Fell Street, across the Panhandle, and over to the coffee shop. I figured if I didn’t find it, someone else needed it more than I do. If I needed to let it go, maybe I needed to let go of the something else, something that isn’t nourishing, isn’t helping.

Recently – on Instagram of all places – I saw a video of a beautiful young man saying that worrying is worshipping a problem. Light bulbs went on, trumpets sounded, every tree burst into bloom, every surfer caught that perfect wave, crazy love songs came true! It was the mantra I’ve been looking for. This is exactly what we, or at least I, have been doing – feeding the beast, worshipping the problem, wasting my time – time out of “my one precious life” on fear and negativity. I decided then and there to take this as an opportunity, a road sign on my trail. I need to check out. Put the iPad down. I don’t need or want to hear any more about the electoral college, the odds, the poll numbers. Leave me out of any conversation about whatever shocking thing someone claimed, about threats or cruel jokes. I don’t need to worship the problem. If I decide to check in for a few minutes, I’m only there for those beautiful, inspiring people who believe in hope, for firefighters with puppies, photos of my friends’ amazing children, instructional art videos, or foster kittens who just get cuter every day. Otherwise, for the next couple of weeks, count me out.

(The quote, “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” comes from Mary Oliver)